Your girlfriend is not nearly as hot as my soon to be girlfriend.

You think you are so cool, because you are dating Terry Hopkins, the hottest girl on campus. Well, let me tell you something buddy, you're "hot" girlfriend pales in comparion to the WOMAN I'm going to be dating. That's right, in just a matter of days, nay hours, I am going to be dating one of the most beautiful woman on the planet.  She's a successful lingerie model. What does Terry do for a living again? Oh yeah, she's still in college studying to be a psychologist. LAME! I met my soon to be lingerie model of a girlfriend at The Landmark.  I was sitting at the bar, drinking my usual Spotted Cow, when this heavenly creature walked up, and order a Sminoff Ice. It was love at first sight, for me any ways.  I said, "Hello!" She said, "Hi!" 

From the brief exchange I knew we were destined to be together...forever! I then told her I would pay for the drink, she smiled, said thank you,  grabbed her drink, and walked away.  Next time I'm at the Landmark, I'm going to ask her out on a date.  Then I will ask her to marry me, she will naturally say yes, and we will have the most grand wedding ever.  This is going to be so awesome. I can't wait to see the look on your face when you meet her in person! Ha! Victory shall be mine! VICTORY! WOLVERINES!

I was betrayed!

I thought if I voted for Barack Obama I would get laid. I never really had an interest Obama until I saw this hottie on Water Street with an Obama T-shirt; it was then I realized that if I endorsed Obama I might get laid. I picked up an Obama T-shirt and other memorabilia, wore them to bars, and would engage in pro-Obama talks with various cuties. However, these conversations usually feel flat after thirty seconds, so I decided that if I was going to get laid for certain, I would genuinely have to vote for Obama. It wasn't enough to say I supported him, I had to put my money where my mouth was. So I voted for Obama and proceeded to tell every hottie in the neighborhood about it. They usually just smiled at me and said, "Great job!" That was it! Man, I feel betrayed. What good is voting for candidate if doesn't get you laid! I hate Barack Obama! I hate life! I hate that stupid female that got me into this mess in the first place. NAWT KEWL, BRO!

5 people have commented on this post:

Obama08 wrote:
LOL@ur post dude.

Deathmaiden23.78 wrote:
I hate life 2.

Jacksparrowisgod wrote:
Obama 4ever!

Brett'saJet18 wrote:
It's alright McCain, there's always next election. You win some, you lose some. LOL.

BaldingWaterStreetBro wrote:
I too voted for Obama hoping it would get me laid. My bros and I went bar hopping wearing our Obama T-shirts, but the only response we got was, "Nice T-shirt boys!" It was nawt kewl. It just was nawt kewl. My bros and I then went back to our dorm room and watched Die Another Day. Halle Berry is hawt. I would totally hit that. Then we got drunk! BAD ASS, just like Matt Hasselbeck...or is it Matt Cassell? I don't know any more. BRO!

The Minnesota Vikings: A History of Failure.

I loathe the Minnesota Vikings. My hatred for the Vikings began my freshman year of high school, when a kid named Mike transferred from Minnesota and kept bragging about how great the Vikings were. Mike was a dead ringer for Ralphie in A Christmas Story; he had the same round face, same glasses, and the same blonde hair. One day, my friends and I were talking about the Packers, when Mike walked up to us and said without a hint of irony, “The Vikings went to four Super Bowls!”
My friend Keith, trying desperately hard to contain his laughter, asked, “How many did they win?”
Mike paused for a few seconds, stuttering to come up with an acceptable answer, finally settling for, “That’s beside the point!”
Two years later the Packers would add a third Super Bowl trophy to their case, while the Vikings still had ZERO; to root for the Minnesota Vikings is an exercise in futility.
Let’s examine the hard evidence.

I. Mid-season meltdowns.
During the tenure of coaches Dennis Green and Mike Tice the Vikings were notorious for their melt downs during the regular season. The Vikings usually got off to a fast start, only to stumble midway through the season and never regain their footing in the race for a division title.

1996: The Vikings begin the season 4-0, analysts start picking them as Super Bowl favorites after the beat the Packers in the Metrodome 30-21. The Vikings look unstoppable, then they lose 7 out of their last 12 games, limp into the play offs with a 9-7 record and get beaten by the Dallas Cowboys in the Wild Card round.

1997: The Vikings get off to an 8-2 start and then miraculously lose 5 out of their last six games, finishing yet again with a 9-7 record. They beat the New York Giants in the Wild Card round, but lose to the San Francisco 49ers in the divisional round of the play offs.

2003: The Vikings appear to be Super Bowl contenders starting the season with a 6-0 record, but finish the regular season with a (SURPRISE) 9-7 record after losing to the lowly Arizona Cardinals at the very last second. The Vikings fail to make the play offs and the Green Bay Packers go instead.

2004: Daunte Culpepper has his best season ever; throwing for 39 touchdowns and only 11 interceptions, yet the Vikings only go 8-8, after getting off to a 4-1 start. The limp into the play offs, where they humiliate the Brett Favre and the Packers 31-17. The former Packers’ quarterback throws four interceptions and is the second QB in the history of the game to lose to an 8-8 team in the play offs. The Vikings then get beaten by the Philadelphia Eagles in the divisional round 27-13.

2006: The Vikings management hires a new head coach named Brad Childress and they get off to a promising 4-2 start, they are then exposed for the hopeless frauds they are by ending the season with a 6-10 record. Former NFL player and sports analysts Brian Baldinger is forced to admit that maybe he jumped the gun a little too early when he said that, “The Vikings were for real.”

II. The 1998 & 2000 NFC Championship Games
In 1998 the Minnesota Vikings fielded one of the greatest offenses of all time by scoring a then record breaking 556 points in the regular season (averaging 34.8 points a game). They clinch the NFC Conference with a 15-1 record and it seems that it is finally the Vikings year to win the Super Bowl. All they have to do is get by the upstart Atlanta Falcons in the NFC Championship game and the Lombardi trophy is theirs for the taking.
The Vikings blow a ten point lead and lose to the Falcons in over time 30-27, thus confirming their reputation as big game chokers.
In the 2000 season the Minnesota Vikings have an 11-2 record and only need to win one more game to win the number one seed in the NFC. They lose their last three games and go 11-5. However, despite this setback the Vikings do make it to the NFC Championship game where they are utterly humiliated by the New York Giants 41-0. Daunte Culpepper is 13/28 for 78 yards and three interceptions, where as the rather mediocre Kerry Collins throws five touchdowns against the Vikings defense. Two weeks later the Giants were destroyed by the Baltimore Ravens 34-7 in Super Bowl XXXV.

III. The Super Bowl losses.
In their four Super Bowl appearances the Vikings were outscored by their opponents 95-34. To put this in perspective the Packers scored more points in Super Bowl XXXI then the Vikings did in all four of their Super Bowls combined.
The 1969 Minnesota Vikings had one of the most dominant teams in the history of the game; they were ranked first in scoring with 379 points (27.1 points a game) while only giving up 133 points (9.5 points a game.) They were heavily favored to beat the Kansas City Chiefs (the same team the Packers routed 35-10 in Super Bowl I) in Super Bowl IV, only to be embarrassed by the AFL upstarts 23-7. The Viking Super Bowls only got worse from this moment on.
In the 1970s Fran Tarkenton returned to the Vikings and led them to three more Super Bowl appearances. The future Hall of Famer’s numbers were less than spectacular, in his three Super Bowl appearances Tarkenton is 46/89 for 489 yards, one touchdown, and six interceptions. His combined quarterback rating for all three losses is 43.7.
In Super Bowl VIII the Vikings lost to the Miami Dolphins 24-7 and were dominated by the Dolphins running game.
In Super Bowl IX the Vikings lost to the Pittsburgh Steelers 16-6. The score isn’t as close as it seems as the Vikings only touchdown came on a blocked punt, while their offense gained a pathetic 119 yards against the Steelers defense.
In Super Bowl XI the Vikings lost to the Oakland Raiders 32-14.

This season the Vikings were hyped up as being possible Super Bowl contenders, because of their dominant run defense and their “unstoppable” running back Adrian Peterson. As of now the Vikings are 0-2 and are currently in the middle of a quarterback crisis. It’s looking to be yet another disappointing year for Vikings fans, but then again they should be used to it by now.

This isn't my can of Coca-Cola.
For my can of Coca-Cola was full, where as this can is half empty. Who took my can of Coca-Cola. Was is that no good Bill Thompson, the star quarterback of the high school football team and self confessed Coke addict? Or could it have been the angelic looking Sally Petty? Then there's Jenkins that soccer player from England! It is rumored he fled England due to his involvement in the Great England Train Robbery. This is a mystery that MUST be solved....for there are no more Coca-Cola cans left in the refrigerator.
Ha Ha Ha Ha! I have figured out who this culprit is. The thief is no other than........................
Why did the lights go out? I've been stab! CRAP! I've been shot. DAMN IT! This is a rather extreme for a can of Coca-Cola! I don't think I can survive such nasty wounds. Oh, I'm feeling light headed. OHHHHHHHHHH. Hey look, I found my can of Coca-Cola, it was right next to the television.

The New York Jets are going to win the Super Bowl.

Did you see how well Brett Favre played in against the Redskins in last week's pre-season game? He was PHENOMENAL! He went 5 for 6 with a touchdown pass! If this is any indication of how the regular season is going to be then the Jets are sure to win the Super Bowl. When you have number 4 as your quarterback anything is possible! For instance, he could throw the game winning touchdown or the game losing interception, depending on the circumstances. That's what makes Brett Favre so exciting to watch. Move over world the Jets have come to town. I'm so glad I bought myself a Favre Jets jersey, because to me it's far more important to be loyal to a single player than to an entire team.

When will Hollywood stop adapting television shows into unwatchable movies? This trend of adapting small screen successes into big screen bombs seems to have increased rapidly in the last few years and it looks like there is no end in sight. It's only a matter of time before Hollywood starts adapting television commercials into full length features.
Here's a just a few cinematic atrocities that might hit your local theater some time soon:

Trix: The Movie
A brilliant satire on race relations in our country, Trix: The Movie stars Ben Stiller as Sonny the Rabbit who travels the country longing for a bowl of delicious Trix cereal only to be denied because he is a rabbit. Will Ferrell co-stars as Kieron, the heavy drinking Irish cop out to stop Sonny from living his dream.

Cap'N Crunch: Battle on the High Seas
Orlando Bloom stars as every one's favorite sea faring Cap'N who is on a quest to find the perfect crunch for his cereal. His adventures take him all over the world and eventually to another dimension where he must face his doppelganger, the dreaded P'rate Lunch. Johnny Depp will reprise his role as that lovable rascal Jack Sparrow, who helps the Cap'N battle monsters and other terrors of the deep. It's will be a frolicking good time.

Cookie Crisp: The Rise of Cookie Crook
Rick McCallum (producer of the Star Wars prequels) makes his directorial debut with this tense thriller about Cookie Crook's obsession with Cookie Crisp cereal. Ed Norton stars as Cookie Crook, who at a young age develops an unhealthy dependence on cookies, which eventually leads to a life of crime. Vince Vaughn (Wedding Crashers, Old School) co-stars as Officer Crumb, the cop that is out to stop Cookie Crook no matter what the cost. Look for Cris Collinsworth in a small role as one of Cookie Crook's first victims.

Wrangler Jeans: You Aint Seen Nothing Yet
Brett Favre plays once great NFL quarterback Bert Starve, who devotes his spare time trying to find the most comfortable jeans and eventually winds up wearing Wranglers Jean. Not only are these Wrangler jeans comfortable, they help increase his productivity and isn't before long he's back in the NFL leading the struggling Yellow Port Snackers to a Super Bowl. You truly aint seen nothing yet.

Old Spice
Jack Black stars as the hopeless Tom Odor, a high respected bank accountant, who has one major flaw: he smells bad. His horrible body odor keeps the girls away in droves, until one day he discovers Old Spice deodorant and isn't before long that the girls are breaking down the door to his house. Adam Sandler co-stars as Chuck Terrible, Odor's main rival who is out to steal Odor's Old Spice, so he can get the ladies himself. Will Terrible succeed? Find out next summer.

I hate Sex and the City fans.

Why is that Sex and the City fans get so defensive when they hear that most men don't like the movie or show?
They always says things like, "Men hate empowered women." or some other nonsense like that.
If Sex and the City is representative of "empowered women" then the feminist movement is in trouble.
SATC embodies every negative stereotype men have about women: self-absorbed, superficial, materialistic, needy, and opportunistic. These are women who claim to be strong and independent, yet the very thought of being alone frightens them to the point that they hook up with any man who gives them a false sense of security. Being empowered implies that you are in complete control of your life, something these women are definitely not.
I don't mind that women enjoy the show, but when they start equating it with "female empowerment," or start modeling their lives after it , then something is wrong.
It's same for all the Water Street bros that model their lives after movies like Wedding Crashers or Old School, "We should join a fraternity man, we would totally score. Or better yet, let's crash a few weddings."
What's this world coming to when people start imitating the movies? Movies are fantasy, yet people seem more inclined to believe in fantasy rather than face reality. They have a harsh skepticism to the realities of the world and believe everything can be fixed with a great big hug.
When something disproves their view point, they go into denial.
Like I said, it's one thing for women to enjoy Sex and the City as escapist entertainment, it's quite another thing to view it as a way of life. The fact that so many of it's fan base act as if there is a male conspiracy to suppress the feminist movement only goes to show that too many of them take this movie way too seriously.
Most men don't give a rat's ass that there's a Sex and the City movie, because they have other things to worry about. IMDB doesn't represent the entire male community, in fact only a small percentage of the male population visits the site, yet SATC fans act as if the negative IMDB message boards are proof that the men are out to get them.
Why would men like a show/movie that is oriented to women? Seriously, if a movie's intended audience is middle aged women, it's going to deal with issues that men are not going to be able to relate, hence they more than likely won't enjoy it. Any straight man that says he liked Sex and the City is doing so in hopes of getting laid. That is all. He's not deep, he's not sensitive, he's Lucifer himself. Thank you.

I loved my life, but my life didn't love me.
So we separated
and now I no longer have a life.
But I do have video games.
And when you have video games
It's best you don't have a life
because it might interfere with your play time.